Jack Bauer has been on the scene now for five years saving the country from foreign and domestic threats alike. Quietly, and with stealth and precision he has captured the imagination of the country. Like a bullet to the kneecap, Jack Bauer has America talking.

Jack Bauer's Bio:

Bauer graduated with a bachelor's degree in English literature from UCLA, a master's degree in criminology and law from UC Berkeley, and a doctorate in ass-kicking from the Jack Bauer Institute of Badassery.  

After completing his schooling, he worked as a Los Angeles Police Department SWAT team member, and in the U.S. Army's elite Delta Force. Bauer also did fieldwork for the Central Intelligence Agency before joining the Counter Terrorist Unit.

Name: Jonathan"Jack" Bauer
Birthday: Classified
Birthplace: California
Current Location: ????
Eye Color: Fire with a hint of determination
Hair Color: Depends on how much blood he has shed on any given day
Height: 5'11
Right Handed or Left Handed: Jack Bauer's hands are lethal weapons and are not limited by any preference
Heritage: 100% Badass
Death Count : Approx. 350
Weakness: Getting framed
Fears: Clowns
Hobbies: Clearing his name
Long Term Goals : Saving the World
Motto: "All in a day's work"
Favorite Color : Fear
Favorite TV Show: The Joy of Painting with Bob Ross
Favorite Movie: The Fugitive


The Bauer File:

If you are reading this, Jack Bauer has spared your life.

Jack Bauer doesn't use Viagra, Viagra uses Jack Bauer.

As a Kid on Halloween Jack Bauer was given pennies instead of candy by a neighbor, that   neighbor? Jimmy Hoffa.

Jack Bauer killed J.R.

Sonny Bono once cut Jack Bauer off while skiing. Once.

At railroad crossings, trains stop for Jack Bauer.

Jack Bauer knows what you did in Vegas.

The government started Daylight Savings Time so Jack Bauer could rest.

Jack Bauer doesn't get haircuts, he just simply tells his hair not to grow.

When Jesus gets scared he prays to Jack Bauer.

Last years Tsunami was not a result of an earthquake like reported, however, was a result of Jack Bauer entering a cannon ball competition.

Chuck Norris has been fighting evil for four decades. An original American badass, Norris has roundhouse kicked his way into popular culture with the fury of a thousand suns. If you are not a fan of Chuck Norris be afraid, he knows who you are.

Chuck Norris' Bio:

In 1968, Norris became Middleweight Karate champion. In 1969, he won Karate's triple crown for the most tournament wins of the year, and the fighter of the year award by Black Belt magazine. It was also in 1969 that Norris made his acting debut, in the Dean Martin movie The Wrecking Crew.

In 1970, his younger brother Weiland was killed in Vietnam. Norris later dedicated his Missing in Action films to his brother's memory.

Long story short... Chuck Norris is an angry man.

Name: Carlos Ray "Chuck" Norris Jr.
Birthday: March 10, 1940
Birthplace: Oklahoma
Current Location: Right behind you
Eye Color: Blue with specks of insanity
Hair Color: Strawberry-Blonde
Height: 5'10
Right Handed or Left Handed: Chooses to use his feet in most situations
Heritage: 50% American Indian, 50% American Hero
Death Count : Unknown
Weakness: None
Fears: None
Hobbies: Telling little boys they have AIDS
Long Term Goals : Roundhouse kicking
Motto: "I am Chuck Norris "
Favorite Color : Lavender
Favorite TV Show: Texas Ranger
Favorite Movie: Delta Force


The Norris File:

Look over both shoulders, if you don't see anything, chances are Chuck Norris is sneaking up on you; you have less than a minute to live.

Dominoes once delivered Chuck Norris' Pizza in over 30 minutes. Let's just say he is the reason why they ended that policy.

Christopher Reeve owed Chuck Norris $10, Chuck Norris evened the score.

Chuck Norris once cleared 30 acres of woodland forest with just 3 roundhouse kicks.

If you drink Pop Rocks and Cola, Chuck Norris will rip your insides out and use your organs to make a change purse.

God owes Chuck Norris several favors.

Chuck Norris kicked his way out of his mother's womb, 3 months premature. He was tired of waiting.




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