It's quite clear that both Jack Bauer
and Chuck Norris are forces that can't be stopped. That is, however,
unless the awesome forces of fate somehow caused the two to meet
in some sort of battle for ultimate supremacy. Of course, such a
battle would have to be the result of diabolical forces manipulating
the truth in an effort to rid the world of both Jack and Chuck.
In order for said battle to take place, the aforementioned
diabolical forces would have to manipulate a situation in which both
Jack and Chuck are under the impression they are working with pure
intentions, when in fact they have been manipulated to destroy each
With much thought and careful consideration, we here
at Jack VS Chuck have painstakingly assembled the following scenario
for how such an epic battle would unfold.
Jack Bauer and Chuck Norris have just received identical
orders to eliminate each other without knowing who their actual targets
are. These instructions have lead both of them to an abandoned warehouse
located at a dormant shipping port.
The warehouse is large and unexplainably still contains
large containers and has crowbars and chains lying around.
Chuck has decided to take the brash approach of just
walking right through the main doors, making as much noise and drawing
as much attention as possible. Dressed in blue jeans and a tweed
sports jacket, accompanied by cowboy boots and hat. Gun drawn, he
walks down the center of the warehouse.
At the same time Jack is already hiding in the ventilation
system. He has a wireless uplink to CTU and has access to 30 remote
cameras viewable on his PDA. He has night vision goggles and a silenced
Chuck is sidestepping his way across the floor of
the warehouse, attention drawn straight ahead. As he is making slow
deliberate steps, he mistakenly kicks a loose metal pipe that is
lying on the floor. It echoes throughout the warehouse and exposes
his presence. Jack trains his cameras on Chuck and triangulates his
Using a small shaped charge, Jack blows a hole in
the duct he is hiding in and drops through the ceiling suspended
by a single rope.
Chuck dives for cover.
The two both start shooting at each other. Chuck
is using a revolver and somehow manages to get 35 rounds off. Jack
returns fire, and after running out of rounds throws his weapon away
and pulls out a back up and continues to shoot.
After some time both come the realization that bullets
have no affect on either of them.
Out of breath, both are sitting on the floor leaning
up against shipping containers. They begin yelling out to each other.
Chuck notices that there is a heavy hook hanging
from a chain that is connected to track in the ceiling. Out of sheer
chance, the hanging hook/chain contraption is in Jack's direct path.
Chuck steps out into the open to draw Jack out. As
soon as Jack takes the bait, Chuck does a slow-motion roundhouse
kick sending the whole chain/hook device right at Jack.
The hook hits jack right in the face and knocks him
to the ground. Blood has been drawn.
Jack is out cold, or so we think. Chuck walks over,
cautious, yet confident that Jack has been defeated. Chuck leans
over Jack and begins reciting an old Indian prayer in order to set
Jack's spirit free. While this is going on the ghostly vision of
an old Cherokee warrior appears and we catch the glimpse of the hindquarters
of a wolf as it scurries behind a container. Not sure whether
this is real or a vision, Chuck is distracted. In that time Jack
regains consciousness and stabs Chuck in the leg.
Jack gets on top of Chuck and removes his belt. He
begins to strangle him, yelling, "What do you know!!"
Chuck tries to grab at his own throat but is unable
to stop Jack. Chuck is dying. In a moment that makes absolutely no
sense, the wolf reappears and lunges at Jack in a cheesy slow-motion/strobe
effect kind of way. Jack in knocked off of chuck.
The two exchange blows for a while, Jack repeatedly
snaps Chuck's neck, and Chuck gets off a good 25-30 roundhouse kicks
to Jack's head. Both are a little worse for the wear, but neither
is seriously injured.
At this point both Jack and Chuck realize that they
are incapable of being destroyed. After comparing stories they also
realize they have been setup. This realization sets into a series
of events that involves them both hijacking a domestic flight from
LA to New York, breaking various federal and interstate laws, postal
fraud, and kidnapping, in order to get back at those who set them
up. Lots of people get their necks snapped and roundhouse kicked
to the head, but after 24 hours those responsible have been killed
and both Jack and Chuck go home to have sex with females.